I suggested and facilitated the topic that titles this post. When I thought about the topic earlier this week, I was reading a book on social psychology. Concretely, on how we build our own self from what we guess others think of us. As a social psychologist, I understand many of the weaknesses of social norms; as a person, I am quite bothered by many of our social behaviors -especially the ones that lead to discrimination. I sometimes surprise myself complying or mismanaging these things, and that bothers me even more. Maybe the topic suggested came from that emotion.
After a big entanglement where even pedophilia was discussed, I was suggested to describe "my" dilemma (before the meeting, I didn't know I was actually bringing up "my" dilemma). And when saying it in words, I grasped it myself: on one side of the coin, I want to be a flexible, adapted person, who lives here and now, fully every moment of live -and perhaps, accepts social norms. On the other, I would like to be free, to find space for the full expression of myself, fighting social boundaries, trying to listen to what it is that really fulfills me and breaks me free.
For instance, on one hand I am ambitious and I want to have a successful professional career. On the other, I'd rather be humble, take it as it comes, travel, discover deeper aspects of life. Ambition can only come from social influence. Why do I want that? Do I really want that? It feels like I do, but I can't help doubting my own feeling.
The discussion began like this:
We live under the pressures of society: much of our behavior's repertoire is flooded with responses to social expectations/pressures, from the time that we wake up every morning to what we eat, what we wear, what we say or how we plan our future. It could be argued that most of our behavior is a social response, so that we have little margin of choice as free individuals because we are busy convincing others to like us, and becoming "successful" -or at least "well-adapted"- persons.
Are these an impediment for freeing the mind? If they are, till what extent they impair mindfulness? -Is there any freedom at all?- Is meditation a tool towards it?
Or is this worry just a characteristic of a western individualistic society, individualism as such?
I should add: or is it just my personal worry?
To be honest, I have been taking notes since I wrote that text, trying to work out what exactly was my point. I still haven't worked it out.
After the introduction someone made the point of listening to your heart. Love it, beautiful! But... what is my heart? I am fan of the idea of being honest to oneself, but honesty and the self are two concepts that escape my full understanding. Plus, feeding a self (an ego) doesn't sound very compatible with a Buddhist perspective, does it?
Then we enhanced positive sides of social norm. It was nice to be reminded that social rules have actually a function, like making kids be less assholes and giving us a platform to satiate our natural quest for social interaction. I do enjoy and make common use of such things too. Someone suggested to say "social agreements" rather than "social norms".
Still, norms shall be questioned. That wasn't long before we came out of the closet as victims of social constructions: power relationships, discrimination, authorities... Sometimes, even if we acknowledge and understand the processes that make us victims of this sort of powers, we still can't help deep sorrow.
Is detachment a solution, as perhaps Buddhists would suggest?
Can we fight against social injustice kind and compassionately?
These and many questions remain open... for future meetings!
Thank you very much to today's participants.
Natalia Pereira